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PhD Position: Unpaid Labor with Prestigious University Branding

The Imaginary Sciences Department at the University of Nowhere invites applications for a fully-funded PhD position in Machine Learning, broadly defined. “Broadly defined” means whatever our grant applications say it means at any given time.

About the Position

This is a 5-year appointment (extendable to 7, 9, or indefinitely, depending on how long it takes to finish your advisor’s projects). You will receive a stipend of $22,000/year, which our department classifies as “competitive” because it is technically above zero.

Responsibilities

  • Conduct original research (original enough to publish; not so original it contradicts your advisor’s work)
  • Assist in teaching undergraduate courses that your advisor is too busy to attend
  • Maintain the lab’s compute cluster, including diagnosing GPU failures at 11 PM before paper deadlines
  • Write literature reviews every six months demonstrating that no one else has done exactly this
  • Attend weekly lab meetings to present why your experiments haven’t worked yet
  • Review papers for conferences, for free, while wondering why your paper was rejected

Qualifications Required

  • Bachelor’s or Master’s degree in Computer Science, Statistics, or “Related Field”
  • Strong mathematical background (we will discover what “strong” means during your qualifying exam)
  • Prior research experience strongly preferred (but the applicant who actually has it won’t accept our stipend)
  • Excellent written and verbal communication (you will need this to explain your results to your advisor, who will not remember asking for them)

Application Instructions

Submit CV, statement of purpose, and three letters of recommendation from people who know you well enough to write something positive but not well enough to know the truth. Shortlisted candidates will be invited to a Zoom interview during which we will assess “fit” — meaning: will you laugh at our advisor’s jokes?

Review of applications is ongoing. The position will close when we find someone desperate enough.