Assistant Professor: Teach 4 Courses, Publish 10 Papers, Raise $1M in Grants (Annual)

The Department of Imaginary Sciences at the University of Nowhere invites applications for a tenure-track Assistant Professor position in Artificial Intelligence, Machine Learning, Data Science, Computer Vision, Natural Language Processing, Robotics, or any intersection thereof. We are “open” to all areas in the same way that a black hole is open to all matter.

About the Position

This is a 6-year tenure-track appointment with the possibility of promotion to Associate Professor upon successful demonstration that the tenure committee has not changed its membership or standards during the review period. The successful candidate will be expected to build an internationally recognized research program, secure external funding, teach effectively, and perform service — ideally all at once, immediately upon arrival.

Primary Responsibilities

Research: Establish a research agenda that is simultaneously fundamental, applied, impactful, and publishable in venues the committee recognizes. Publish consistently in top-tier venues, which we define as “the ones our current faculty are already publishing in.”

Teaching: Develop new courses in your area of expertise that also fulfill existing curriculum requirements, preferably without additional resources.

Funding: Secure grants totaling more than your salary within two years, using our Office of Research’s support (office hours: Tuesdays, 2–3 PM).

Service: Participate in department committees, review papers, attend colloquia, and advise students — none of which count toward tenure.

Qualifications

• PhD from an institution we’ve heard of
• Evidence of an independent research vision (i.e., your advisor has not published the same work)
• Demonstrated teaching experience or “promise” (we will interpret this however is most convenient)
• At least three strong letters of recommendation from individuals who are not your advisor, but are ideally trained by your advisor

About Our Department

We are a growing department with 12 faculty, 3 of whom are actively publishing, 2 of whom have spoken to each other this year, and 1 of whom will sit on your tenure committee. We are committed to diversity, equity, and inclusion, as evidenced by this sentence in our job posting.

Review of applications begins immediately. We reserve the right to not make an appointment if we cannot find a candidate who is famous enough to list in our next rankings submission.